Funny Quotes - BrainyQuote

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

Alive, Take, Never

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. - Reba McEntire

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. Reba McEntire

Need, Saint Patrick's Day

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Caring, Loving, Having

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

Great Man, Rolling, Behind

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

Remember, Always

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. - Abraham Lincoln

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

Man, Memory, Enough

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

Drunk, Still, May

Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself. Christina Grimmie

Be Yourself, Stupid, Dumb

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. - Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

Need, Only, Compliments

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules Renard

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

Habit, Resting, Before

Top 10
Funny
Quotes

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

Like, Walks, Annoy

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Plants, Fake, Them

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

Sunshine, Night, Like

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. - Calvin Coolidge

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge

Said, Never, Been

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

Sleep, Late, Tonight

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Please, Them, Get

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

Humor, Happening, Else

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr

Stupid, Girl, Still

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

See, Constant, Loves

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. - W. H. Auden

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. W. H. Auden

Help Others, Help, Here

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Weather, Dark, Tonight

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell

Extent, Considerable

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Luis Bunuel

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel

Age, Matter, Unless

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

Coffee, Tea, Some

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess

Sleep, Alone, World

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. - Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant

Blue, Red, Schizophrenic

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