I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk.

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

Not drunk is he who from the floor - Can rise alone and still drink more; But drunk is They, who prostrate lies, Without the power to drink or rise.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

I'm not punch drunk.

I've been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I have never smoked and have always drunk a lot of water, but cleanse, tone and moisturise every day? No way!

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

'My country, right or wrong' is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I know I have eaten more good food, drunk more beer and fine wine, had more friends, and seen more of the world than most men ever will.

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.

Whenever I had been racially vilified before it had been by peers or drunk men. It's more shocking when it's a 13-year-old child. No 13-year-old is racist.

We have wasted History like a bunch of drunks shooting dice back in the men's crapper of the local bar.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Modern morality and manners suppress all natural instincts, keep people ignorant of the facts of nature and make them fighting drunk on bogey tales.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

You can't trust a promise someone makes while they're drunk, in love, hungry, or running for office.

A man can take a little bourbon without getting drunk, but if you hold his mouth open and pour in a quart, he's going to get sick on it.

Write when drunk. Edit when sober. Marketing is the hangover.

God watches over drunks and third baseman.

That incident ruined my reputation for 10 years. Get one Beatle drunk and look what happens!

There is a communion of more than our bodies when bread is broken and wine drunk.

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

Sometimes when you're drunk you can see better.

He is a drunkard who takes more than three glasses though he be not drunk.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

Yeah, that came out of a reading. It was great. It's such a fun crew to be with, and we all went out the night before and that really encouraged us to go out and get drunk.

It is time to get drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of Time, get drunk; get drunk without stopping! On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift... The hangover comes the day after.

Sometimes if you get 'em too drunk they don't pay no attention to what you're doin' anyways, so you might as well just do old songs. But if you get one that's paying attention, sometimes we'll do some new material.

The man who gets drunk in peacetime is a coward. The man who gets drunk in wartime goes on being a coward.

Discover the times when you're most creative - mornings, nights, afternoons - and clear the time to work then. Many writers find the mornings are best, and the afternoons are only good for editorial corrections, or getting the washing done. Others can only work through the night, drunk.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Well it's hard to remember who, but I drunk dial a lot.

The film Punch - Drunk Love is how you see the world when you're in love. You don't see somebody's psychological baggage necessarily, you see the person walking out of the light.

Advertisers don't want to be ignored, and they are drunk on our data, which is what Google and other large networks are really selling. The ads are almost a by-product; what companies really want to know is what antiperspirant a woman of 25-34 is most likely to purchase after watching 'House of Cards.'

I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.

My idol is Emile Zola. He was a man of the left, so people expected of him a kind of 'Les Miserables,' in which the underdogs are always noble people. But he went out, and found a lot of ambitious, drunk, slothful and mean people out there. Zola simply could not - and was not interested in - telling a lie.

I loved Jack Ford. I got him in his later days, and he was a total tyrant and a total autocrat and an Irish drunk. But I had a great time.