I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?