I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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