When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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