Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I like children - fried.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never met a kid I liked.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I must have a drink of breakfast.