Steven Wright Quotes

American - Comedian Born: December 6, 1955

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. - Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Memories, Think, Past, Back, Many

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Time, Humor, Walking, You, Distance

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fishing, Idiot, Standing, Like, Shore

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Birthday, Happy, Singing, Candle, Down

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Mirror, Me, Luck, Legal, Lawyer, Bad

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Car, Driving, Stop, Tires, Got, Dizzy

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Birthday, Day, Tired, Born, Idiot, Diary

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience, You, Need, Just, Something

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Myself, Fear, Me, Conflict, Nobody, Shy

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Fitness, Me, People, Heights, Afraid

Top 10
Steven Wright
Quotes

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. - Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Think, You, Nobody, Nobody Cares, Try

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Me, Desert, Book, Boat, Someone, Island

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. - Steven Wright

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Internet, Wild, Rules, Like, West

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Man, Long, Argument, Vegas, Wheel, Over

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Thoughts, You, Someone, Worth, Penny

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Time, Think, Right, Now, Same, Forgotten

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Light, You, Space, Speed, Turn, Happen

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

You, Forest, Nobody, Joke, Tell, Laughs

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Me, Ocean, Grow, Wonder, Happen, Just

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Child, Sand, Only, Kid, Box, Little

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Cake, Die, Sacrifice, Chocolate, Rest

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Memory, Bad, Conscience, Clear, Sign

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Time, Breakfast, Restaurant, Renaissance

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. - Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Mind, Trying, Wandering, Daydream, Kept

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. - Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

You, Map, Over, Here, Existential

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Love, Good, Cake, Mind, You, Chocolate

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