Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'