Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

American - Comedian November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mother Doctor Medical Ugly Born

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Look People Fat

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me Crazy Ugly You

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Luck Way Politician Honest

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog Pet Egypt Room

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

Car Wife Me Sex

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dog Pet Bone Got

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

Day Girl Home Me

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Day Wife Me Eye

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Morning Me Underwear Hear

Top 10
Rodney Dangerfield
Quotes

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

Day Man Face Library

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

Parents Always Kid Them

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

Parents Me Bath Toys

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield

Day Wife Jealousy She

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Time Drink Too Much Last

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

Father Time Remember Said

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me Said Everyone Ridiculous

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Family Funny Tree Out Up

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me Yellow Wear Dentist

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

God Me Ugly Know

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield

Light Wife Me Dark

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

Life Mirror Age Food

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friend Mother Me She

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wife Happy Years Met

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

Respect Luck Way Politician

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me Uncle Wish Dying

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