My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.