Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - BrainyQuote

American - Comedian November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield

Crazy Me Opinion

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield

Sports Fight Game

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield

Medical Doctor Mother

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. - Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Family Tree

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Wife Want

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

Wife Happy Years

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield

Juice Know Coming

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Always Parents Found

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield

Time Drink Too Much

Top 10
Rodney Dangerfield
Quotes

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

Respect Luck Way

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Yellow Brown

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Everyone Ridiculous

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield

Best Birthday Respect

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Mother Never

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. - Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits. - Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits. Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. - Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield

Wife Chocolate She

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield

Me Cigarette Surgeon

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. - Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield

Morning Me Underwear

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

Parents Me Toys

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage Together Sleep

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. - Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. - Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield

Family Pet Tree

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield

Jealousy Wife Day

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. - Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. - Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. - Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage Wife Dog

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield

Parents Me Looking

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Wife Always Day

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Rodney Dangerfield

Men Things Wages

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield

Time Mask Emotions

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield

Father Picture Wallet

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield

Myself Night Girl

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield

Tough Real Neighborhood

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield

Morning Sickness Mother

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield

Time Father Remember

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. - Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage Wife Rocks

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