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Rita Rudner Quotes

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American - Comedian Born: September 17, 1955
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. - Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My Vegas act is how I make my money. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. Share this Quote
Rita Rudner
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