Mitch Hedberg Quotes

American - Comedian February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Funny Water Plants Fake Pretend

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Woman Me Dating Saying

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Sorry You Never Stairs

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Dreams Sick Up Just

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Hero Down Know Real

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Friend Me Want Said

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Sitting Gambling Play Like

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Good Time You Try

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Business Fire Me You

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Great You Eat Want Hungry

Top 10
Mitch Hedberg
Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Food Like Trap Syrup

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Birthday Cake Candle Buy

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Time Someone Say Go

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Life Women Sex Someone

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Cool Just Really Hippopotamus

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Funny Down Upside Down Know

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

You Fun Mad Late

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Me Way Lift Once Saw

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Push Up Forever Dogs

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

People Think You Hands

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I Am Eat Matter Hungry

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

You Saying Hands Someone

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

You Drunk Rabbits Got Would

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Long Days Because Ten

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Day You Down Trying

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Crazy You Drive Understand

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