Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Good Things, You

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Tough, Better, Life Is Hard

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

God, Wisdom, Today, History, Tomorrow

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Enjoy, Down, Wrong

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Angry, Energy, Forward, Year

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Time, Fitness, Smiling, First Time, See

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Bath, Unwanted, Toys, Radio

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Work, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Jewish

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Floor

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Life, Difficult, Everything, Jokes

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers

Diet, Clothes, You, Like, Tailored

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. Joan Rivers

Book, You, Find, New, Favorite, Your

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Body, Will, Plastic, Surgery, Much

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Joan Rivers

People, Me, Party, Always, See, Get

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. Joan Rivers

Funny, Father, Mother, Today, People, Me

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

Age, Children, Hate, Day, Angry, Me

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers

Laugh, You, Apologize, Joke, Watch, Here

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers

Daughter, Respect, Sleep, Me, Wake Up

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black. Joan Rivers

Black, Friends, Why, Dying, Always, Wear

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect. Joan Rivers

Life, Measure, Perfect, Up, Performing

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers

Beauty, Never, Ideal, Found, Fugitive

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Always, Outsider, Been

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Control, Lights, Now, Birth, Leave

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Woman, Man, Me, Blame

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers

Good, Wisdom, Wise, Mind, Think, Advice

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. Joan Rivers

Day, Grateful, Me, Eating, Think, Hands

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