Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

God Wisdom History Today

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Funny Me You Will

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Life Good Enjoy Life You

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Life Funny Calm Enjoy

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Life Funny You Tough

Never floss with a stranger.

Funny Never Stranger

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Funny God Diamonds Us

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Nobody Circle Always Outsider

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Smart Door Enough Go

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

God Me Diamonds Over

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

Change Angry You Energy

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

Day Me Grateful Think

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

Me I Am Vote Stupid

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Girl Child Uniform Attractive

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Man Woman Sleep Mistakes

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Funny Hate You Start

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Fitness Time Smiling See

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Die Body Plastic Will

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Life Difficult Everything Jokes

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Funny Mother Father Me

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Good Wisdom Mind Wise

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Home Hell She Mother-In-Law

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

Me Laugh Door Poor

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Work God Diamonds Us

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Life Mother Me Man

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

Me Laugh Horror Anything

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