If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Bad, Alive, Means

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Other, Part, Shake

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Everyone, Next, Upset

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, Diamonds, Over

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Gift, Yesterday

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Toys, Were

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Will, Plastic Surgery

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Attractive, Tent, Use

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Smiling, See

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Over, Six

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Mind, Think

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Woman, Sex, Goes

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

People, Accept, Methods

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Equal, Sixty

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. Joan Rivers

Messed Up, Tell, Been

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

I Think, Very, About

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers

Unhappiness, Therapy, Total

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

Trials, Someone, Nuremberg

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, Mother-In-Law, She

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

I Wish, Like, Could

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers

Thankful, Sky, Bed

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote. Joan Rivers

Stupid, Chicken, Give

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Joan Rivers

Think, I Think, Perfectly

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Diamonds, Over, Had

I am furious about everything. Joan Rivers

I Am, About, Am

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I. Joan Rivers

Inside, Jewish, Been

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