Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, God, Today, Gift, Why

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Good Things, You

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Enjoy, Down, Upset

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Year, Angry, Energy, Done, You

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers

Clothes, Diet, You, Like, Should, Diets

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Outsider, Always, Been

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Good, Wise, Mind, Think, Advice

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Life Is Hard, Tough, Laugh

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Body, Plastic, Will, Surgery, Much

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive. Joan Rivers

Memory, People, Remember, Process, Story

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

Wish, Look, Know, I Wish, Without, Like

I hate reality shows that are not reality. Joan Rivers

Hate, Reality, Reality Shows, Shows

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it. Joan Rivers

World, Think, Person, Got, Minute, Get

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. Joan Rivers

Good, Walk, Feel, You, Know, Messed Up

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Us, Over

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Man, Woman, Me, Blame

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Lights, Control, Birth, Leave, Now

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. Joan Rivers

Day, Husband, Every Day, Way, Him, Ashes

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

Someone, Trials, Understand, You, Gotta

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Friend, Car, Girl, Little Things, You

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers

Change, Yourself, Sorry, Survival, You

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Joan Rivers

Queen, Dress, Boy, Needs, England, Who

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers

Daughter, Respect, Sleep, Me, Wake Up

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Thinking, Saying, Everyone, Else

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. Joan Rivers

Fat, Find, You, Jokes, Them, Relevant

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. Joan Rivers

Funny, Father, Mother, Today, People, Me

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