Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Equal, Sixty

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Alive, Bad, Means

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Other, Shake, Part

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Everyone, Next, Upset

Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers

Funny, Never, Stranger

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Gift, Yesterday

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Toys, Were

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Smiling, See

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Over, Six

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Woman, Sex, Goes

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. Joan Rivers

Messed Up, Tell, Been

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, Diamonds, Over

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Nobody, Always, Been

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers

Year, Cut, Having

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Will, Plastic Surgery

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Difficult, About, Making

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him. Joan Rivers

Door, About, Another

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Attractive, Use, Tent

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. Joan Rivers

Find, New, Bookstore

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Door, Through, Go

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work. Joan Rivers

Work, Attractive, Count

I hate reality shows that are not reality. Joan Rivers

Hate, Reality Shows, Shows

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers

Chinese, Elizabeth, Taylor

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. Joan Rivers

Forward, Over, Worst Thing

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

Say, Always, Made

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers

Thankful, Sky, Bed

Loading...

Load more quotes

Related Authors

Rodney Dangerfield

BrainyQuote

BrainyQuote Desktop

BrainyQuote Mobile

Site

Quote Of The Day

Social

BQ on Pinterest

BQ on Instagram

Apps

iPhone/iPad app

Quote Of The Day Feeds

Javascript and RSS feeds

WordPress plugin

Quote of the Day Email

About

Copyright © 2001 - 2018 BrainyQuote

Language: Español | Français

OK