Joan Rivers Quotes - BrainyQuote

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Bad, Alive, Means

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Other, Part, Shake

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Gift, Yesterday

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Next, Everyone, Upset

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Difficult, Making, About

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Joan Rivers

Think, I Think, Perfectly

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Smiling, See

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Been, Always, Nobody

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, Mother-In-Law, She

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

Like, I Wish, Could

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers

Like, Natures, Anything Else

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, Diamonds, Over

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Toys, Were

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Will, Die, Plastic Surgery

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

I Think, About, Very

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers

Year, Cut, Having

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

Say, Always, Made

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Use, Tent, Attractive

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers

Sex, Forgotten, Ties

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

People, Accept, Methods

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.' Joan Rivers

Thought, I Think, Very

It's feast or famine in showbiz. Joan Rivers

Famine, Feast, Showbiz

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers

Chinese, Elizabeth, Taylor

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Joan Rivers

Love, Rivers, Next

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Here, Maybe, Became

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore. Joan Rivers

Reading, Should, Pleasure

Loading...

Load more quotes

Related Authors

Rodney Dangerfield

BrainyQuote

BrainyQuote Desktop

BrainyQuote Mobile

Site

Quote Of The Day

Social

BQ on Pinterest

BQ on Instagram

Apps

iPhone/iPad app

Quote Of The Day Feeds

Javascript and RSS feeds

WordPress plugin

Quote of the Day Email

About

Copyright © 2001 - 2018 BrainyQuote

Language: Español | Français

Please disable your ad blocker

OK