Joan Rivers Quotes - BrainyQuote

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Good Things, You

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Enjoy, Fast, Down

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, Today, God, Tomorrow

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Life Is Hard, Laugh, Tough

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Always, Outsider, Been

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Us

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Man, Woman, Blame, Me

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

People, Accept, Methods

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Car, Girl, Little Things, Friend, You

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

You, Trials, Understand, Someone, Gotta

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Angry, Energy, You, Forward

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Body, Die, Plastic Surgery, Will, Much

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

Long, Sex, Forgotten, Up, Been, Who

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Bath, Toys, Radio, Unwanted

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Girl, Child, Uniform, Attractive, Used

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. Joan Rivers

Great, God, Ride, She, Die, Say

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, Hell, She, House, Said, Her

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start, You, Over, Again

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Life, Difficult, Everything, Jokes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Time, Fitness, Smiling, See, First Time

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers

Life, Laugh, Tough, You, Very

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Me, You, Will, Forty, Equal

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Thinking, Saying, Everyone, Else

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers

Live, Support, Relatives, Well, Lot

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers

Change, Yourself, Sorry, Survival, You

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. Joan Rivers

Day, Husband, Every Day, Way, Him, Ashes

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