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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, Today

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Life Is Hard

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Time, Fitness, Smiling

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Radio

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers

Life, Laugh, Tough

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me. Joan Rivers

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

You, Trials, Someone

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Outsider

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Body, Will

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Control, Birth

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Thinking, Saying, Everyone

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers

History, Nice, You

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

God, Diamonds, Me

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Smart, Door, Go

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. Joan Rivers

Child, World, Fool

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job. Joan Rivers

Job, Night, Acting

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

Age, Children, Day

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. Joan Rivers

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit. Joan Rivers

Life, Happy, Great

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'. Joan Rivers

Death, Sleep, Wake Up

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers

Stomach, Thighs, Them

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers

Beautiful, Girl, Little

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