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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

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Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Funny, Life, Laugh

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, Today

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Funny, Life, Calm

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Bath

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers

Sleep, Man, Mistakes

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers

Clothes, Diet, You

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Man

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, Hell, She

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers

Support, Live, Relatives

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers

Respect, Daughter, Sleep

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Control, Birth

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Always

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Time, Fitness, Smiling

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

You, Trials, Interview

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Thinking, Saying, Everyone

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

God, Diamonds, Me

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Smart, Door, Through

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers

Life, Laugh, You

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business. Joan Rivers

Friendship, Business, People

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Energy, Angry

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers

Change, Yourself, Sorry

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

Happiness, Money, People

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Car, Little Things, Girl

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