Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Good Things, You

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, God, Today, Tomorrow

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Tough, Better, Life Is Hard

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Down, Enjoy, Fast

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers

You, Clothes, Diet, Like, Tailored

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Body, Die, Will, Plastic Surgery, Much

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Time, Smiling, See, First Time

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Floor

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him. Joan Rivers

Me, Door, Laugh, Now, Poor, Go

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. Joan Rivers

Grateful, Day, Me, Eating, Think, Hands

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Bath, Radio, Toys, Unwanted

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Life, Difficult, Comedians, Because

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house. Joan Rivers

People, Speak, Charity, House, Always

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Angry, Energy, Forward, You

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Nobody, Circle, Always, Outsider, Been

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Friend, Car, Girl, Little Things, You

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers

Good, Wisdom, Wise, Mind, Feel, Think

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Work, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Jewish

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Thinking, Saying, Everyone, Else

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Joan Rivers

People, Me, Party, See, Invitation, Get

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start, You, Over, Again

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

Look, Wish, Know, Plastic Surgery, Like

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Control, Now, Lights, Birth, Leave

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

Age, Day, Children, Angry, Hate, Me

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Joan Rivers

Life, Love, True Love, True, Plan, Actor

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. Joan Rivers

Funny, Father, Mother, Today, Doctor, Me

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