Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, History, Today, God, Tomorrow

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Good Things, You

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Over, Us

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Tough, Laugh, Life Is Hard

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Man, Woman, Blame, Me

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Down, Enjoy, Fast

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Body, Die, Will, Plastic Surgery, Much

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Life, Difficult, Everything, Jokes

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Angry, Energy, You, Forward

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

Happiness, Money, People, You, Enough

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. Joan Rivers

Mother, Thanksgiving, Loved, New, Year

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes. Joan Rivers

Business, Eyes, Together, School, Want

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Me, You, Equal, Will, Forty

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Child, Girl, Uniform, Attractive, Used

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.' Joan Rivers

Thought, Clothes, Think, Say, Always

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. Joan Rivers

Grateful, Day, Me, Chocolate, Think

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, Hell, She, Said, House, Her

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers

Man, Sleep, Woman, Mistakes, Questions

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be. Joan Rivers

Comedy, Beat, Rough, Should, Very, Holds

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. Joan Rivers

Funny, Mother, Father, Today, People, Me

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers

Laugh, You, Apologize, Watch, Here, Joke

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Always, Outsider, Been

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

Long, Sex, Forgotten, Up, Been, Who

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start, You, Over, Again

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Time, Smiling, See, First Time

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

People, Accept, Methods

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