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Top 10 Joan Rivers Quotes
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Joan Rivers Quotes
American
-
Comedian
June 8
, 1933 -
September 4
, 2014
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
Life
,
Good
,
Enjoy Life
,
Good Things
,
You
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
Wisdom
,
History
,
God
,
Today
,
Tomorrow
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
Life
,
Funny
,
Tough
,
Better
,
Life Is Hard
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
Life
,
Funny
,
Calm
,
Down
,
Enjoy
,
Fast
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers
You
,
Clothes
,
Diet
,
Like
,
Tailored
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Joan Rivers
Body
,
Die
,
Will
,
Plastic Surgery
,
Much
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Fitness
,
Time
,
Smiling
,
See
,
First Time
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Funny
,
God
,
Diamonds
,
Bend
,
Over
,
Floor
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
Me
,
Door
,
Laugh
,
Now
,
Poor
,
Go
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Joan Rivers
Grateful
,
Day
,
Me
,
Eating
,
Think
,
Hands
Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes
View the list
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
Funny
,
Baby
,
Bath
,
Radio
,
Toys
,
Unwanted
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
Joan Rivers
Life
,
Difficult
,
Comedians
,
Because
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
People
,
Speak
,
Charity
,
House
,
Always
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Joan Rivers
Change
,
Angry
,
Energy
,
Forward
,
You
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
Joan Rivers
Nobody
,
Circle
,
Always
,
Outsider
,
Been
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Joan Rivers
Friend
,
Car
,
Girl
,
Little Things
,
You
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
Good
,
Wisdom
,
Wise
,
Mind
,
Feel
,
Think
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Work
,
God
,
Diamonds
,
Bend
,
Over
,
Jewish
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
Thinking
,
Saying
,
Everyone
,
Else
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
Joan Rivers
People
,
Me
,
Party
,
See
,
Invitation
,
Get
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Funny
,
Hate
,
Start
,
You
,
Over
,
Again
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
Look
,
Wish
,
Know
,
Plastic Surgery
,
Like
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Best
,
Control
,
Now
,
Lights
,
Birth
,
Leave
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
Age
,
Day
,
Children
,
Angry
,
Hate
,
Me
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers
Life
,
Love
,
True Love
,
True
,
Plan
,
Actor
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
Funny
,
Father
,
Mother
,
Today
,
Doctor
,
Me
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Related Authors
Steven Wright
Groucho Marx
George Carlin
Rodney Dangerfield
W. C. Fields
Robin Williams
Mitch Hedberg
P. J. O'Rourke
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