Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers Quotes

American - Comedian June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Other, Part, Shake

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Bad, Alive, Means

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Everyone, Next, Upset

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Equal, Sixty

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, Smiling, See

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Over, Six

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, Diamonds, Over

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Gift, Yesterday

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Toys, Were

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. Joan Rivers

Messed Up, Tell, Been

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

I Wish, Like, Could

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me. Joan Rivers

Horror, Absurd, Makes

Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers

Funny, Never, Stranger

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Die, Will, Plastic Surgery

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Nobody, Always, Been

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Woman, Sex, Goes

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.' Joan Rivers

Thought, I Think, Very

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Door, Go, Through

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers

Chinese, Elizabeth, Taylor

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. Joan Rivers

Find, New, Bookstore

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Work, Diamonds, Over

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Year, Dwell, Your

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers

I Think, Very, About

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers

Thought, Fought, Concept

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me. Joan Rivers

Someone, Away, Take

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Joan Rivers

Love, Next, Rivers

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