Joan Rivers Quotes - BrainyQuote

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

Methods, People, Accept

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Other, Shake, Part

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Bad, Means, Alive

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Gift, Wisdom, Yesterday

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Next, Upset, Everyone

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Over, Funny, Diamonds

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Sex, Woman, Goes

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Dwell, Year, Your

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Fitness, See, Smiling

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

Funny, Toys, Were

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers

Natures, Like, Anything Else

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job. Joan Rivers

Line, Doing, Weeks

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers

Making, About, Difficult

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Over, Six, Funny

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers

Home, She, Mother-In-Law

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers

Tent, Attractive, Use

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers

Move, Always, Very

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.' Joan Rivers

Very, I Think, Thought

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers

Here, Became, Maybe

Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers

Stranger, Never, Funny

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers

Through, Door, Go

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers

Thighs, Flabby, Stomach

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me. Joan Rivers

Take, Away, Someone

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge! Joan Rivers

Downton Abbey, Abbey, Fan

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Joan Rivers

Take, Her, Against

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