Joan Rivers Quotes - BrainyQuote

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Life Is Hard, Laugh, Tough

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Enjoy Life, Care, Enjoy, You

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers

Life, Funny, Calm, Enjoy, Fast, Down

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

History, Wisdom, Today, God, Tomorrow

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Diamonds, Bend, Floor, Over

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers

Life, Laugh, Tough, You, Very

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

Change, Angry, Energy, You, Done, Year

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

God, Me, Diamonds, Bend, Floor, Over

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers

You, Trials, Understand, Interview

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers

Body, Die, Will, Plastic Surgery, Much

Top 10
Joan Rivers
Quotes

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers

Funny, Me, You, Will, Equal, Forty

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers

Circle, Nobody, Outsider, Always, Been

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers

Long, Sex, Forgotten, Up, Been, Since

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers

Live, Support, Relatives, Well, Very

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. Joan Rivers

Funny, You, Lucky, Old, Will, Accept

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. Joan Rivers

Fat, You, Find, Jokes, Relevant, Them

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. Joan Rivers

Children, Child, Hate, Fool, World

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers

Stomach, Thighs, Them, Covers, Flabby

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

Best, Control, Lights, Birth, Now, Leave

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers

Sky, God, Thankful, Thank God, Limit

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage. Joan Rivers

Stage, Happiest, Thing

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers

Wish, Look, Know, I Wish, Without, Like

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Joan Rivers

Me, Her, Up, Against, Take, Could

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers

People, Accept, Methods

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start, You, Over, Dishes

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Man, Woman, Me, Blame

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