Groucho Marx Quotes

American - Comedian October 2, 1890 - August 19, 1977

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Life Women Man Fate Control

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics Art Looking Wrong

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Life Honesty You Fake

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Woman Man Wife Successful Man Her

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Funny Me Club Join

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Happiness Day Be Happy Today

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Friend Dog Best Man Best Friend

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Good Library Book Television

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Morning Elephant Know Never

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Path Black Animal Your Cat

Top 10
Groucho Marx
Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Medical Hospital Bed Taxi

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Funny Women See Missing

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Time Man Boss Early Before

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Age Born Early I Was Born

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Funny Evening Wonderful Had

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Evening Wonderful Had Perfectly

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Good Hate Weather London

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Death Live Die Trying

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Communication Me Saying Quote

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Live You Getting Older Problem

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

You Principles Others Well

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Relationship City Unhappy Relatives

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Me Care Accept Will

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

You Horse Why Had

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Funny Child Understand Someone Five

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Face Forget Never Forget Never

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Rodney Dangerfield

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