George Carlin Quotes

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

See also: Quotes about George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon, Wolves, Silent, Only, Nights

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Funny, Weather, Dark, Forecast, Tonight

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Funny, Evil, Confused, Way, House, Your

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. - George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

You, Monkey, Back, Your, Circus, Left

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Work, Light, Night, Candle, Late, Lamp

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You, Driving, Idiot, Than, Going, Faster

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Funny, Electricity, Lightning, Just

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Pet, Sweat, Things, Petty, Sweaty

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Me, Purpose, She, Defeat, Said, Would

Always do whatever's next. - George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

Always, Next, Whatever

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Funny, Person, Always, Left, First

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Time, Fire, People, You, Job, Someone

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Work, Money, People, Quit, Enough, Hard

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Family, Night, Restaurant, Nice, Real

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Me, Bible, People, Thinking, Get, More

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You, Born, America, Get, Freak, Show

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Person, Inside, Disappointed, Cynical

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Know, Only, Going, About, Did

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Death, Together, Church, Enough, Us, Own

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Funny, Soul, You, Die, Your, Belief

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Someone, Listening, Realize, Always

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Organization, Atheism

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Alone, Universe, True, Say, Little, Our

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. - George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Communication, Truth, Language, Tool

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I Am, Language, English Language, Am

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Work, Time, People, Dream, Never, See

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