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George Carlin Quotes

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American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008 See also: Quotes about George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
Doctor Better New Professional
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Person Inside Idealist Cynical Every
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
People Care Think Who
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Work Time People Go
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
You Monkey Back Your Mean
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
You Idiot Driving Going
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Think
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Good You Trying Things
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
Work Time People Think
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
You Beat Beaten Them Arrange
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Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Religion Mind Control Just
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Work Money People Enough
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Sweat Pet Things Petty Sweaty
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Funny Lightning Electricity Just
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
Moon Wolves Only Silent
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Funny Weather Dark Forecast Tonight
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Funny Way Evil Confused
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
Status Quo Status Sucks Quo
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
You Travel Mean Get
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Funny Soul You Die Your
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
You Time Fire People
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Death Long Time Small
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Death Dinner Always Person
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
People Believe Who Just
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
Hell Will About Break
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Funny Always Person Comic First
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