53 George Carlin Quotes - Inspirational Quotes at BrainyQuote

American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008 See also: Quotes about George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Doctor Better New Professional

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Person Inside Idealist Cynical Every

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

People Care Think Who

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Work Time People Go

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

You Monkey Back Your Mean

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You Idiot Driving Going

Think off-center.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Good You Trying Things

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Work Time People Think

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You Beat Beaten Them Arrange

Top 10
George Carlin
Quotes

Religion is just mind control.

Religion Mind Control Just

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Work Money People Enough

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Sweat Pet Things Petty Sweaty

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Funny Lightning Electricity Just

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon Wolves Only Silent

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Funny Weather Dark Forecast Tonight

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Funny Way Evil Confused

The status quo sucks.

Status Quo Status Sucks Quo

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

You Travel Mean Get

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Funny Soul You Die Your

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

You Time Fire People

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death Long Time Small

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Death Dinner Always Person

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

People Believe Who Just

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Hell Will About Break

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Funny Always Person Comic First

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