Dave Barry Quotes - Page 2

American - Journalist Born: July 3, 1947

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Trust Food Fish Only

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

School You High School Student

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Looking New Place Try

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Death Fashion Street Falling

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Sports Me Winter Problem

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Egg Will Why Size

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Better Know Country Admit

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

World Teen Parent Nothing

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Car You Feel Nothing

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

You Powerful Physics Class

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Car Down Upside Down Racing

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Food Coffee Eating Only

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Game Problem End Chess

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Simple Cool Truth Look

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Age Eye Sex Color

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Women Simple Men Thinking

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Age Believe Religion Gender

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Car Hate Problems Want

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Teen Person Advice Your

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

Care Realize Here Case

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Time People Management Skills

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Good Crazy Chance Reading

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Life Look You Better

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Good Children Parents Believe

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

People You Never Want

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