Andy Rooney Quotes

American - Journalist January 14, 1919 - November 4, 2011

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Smile You Mean Around Really

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Sad Moment Blessed Door

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Life Long Living Everyone

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Dog Pet Person Average Than

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Truth People Believe Facts

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You Chance Wrong Right

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

People Smart Think Dumb

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Man Eating Real Man Real

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

Enjoy Watches Grow Golf

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

Me Government Think Surprise

Top 10
Andy Rooney
Quotes

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Me Time Food Cooking

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

Meaning Old Vegetarian Indian

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers Done Things Need

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Good Nothing News Good News

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Wish More Just Little

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

Eyes Time Game Hard

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Time May Computers Everything

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

People Politicians Things Say

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Respect Progress You Effort

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Teacher People Rest Remember

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Always Will Retire Writer

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Men Law Equal Should

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Life Happiness You More

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

You Purpose Lucky Old

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Fun Talk Take Out

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Time Great Game I Can

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