Medical Quotes

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

Feeling, Golf, Doctor

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

Bed, Running, Hospital

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

Office, Doctor, Died

They certainly give very strange names to diseases.
Plato

Give, Strange, Names

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck

Book, Getting, Until

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

Mother, Ugly, Born

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress; when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.
Anton Chekhov

Tired, Wife, Night

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Lives, Next, Answer

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Stupidity, Doctor, Weakness

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekhov

Same, Difference, Lawyers

Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.
Marcel Proust

Understand, Doctor, Sickness

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Isaac Asimov

Men, Number, Pregnant

Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey.
Marcel Proust

Knowledge, Pain, Kindness

A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.
Samuel Butler

Power, Healing, Same

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.
Earl Wilson

May, Able, Read

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.
Ivan Illich

Health, Human, Sick

Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.
Hippocrates

Good, Cannot, Doctor

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Matthau

Live, Doctor, Pay

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.
Denis Diderot

Best, Find, Run

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner

Until, Office, Doctor

Time is generally the best doctor.
Ovid

Time, Best, Doctor

The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning.
Lewis Thomas

Great, Morning, Fact

As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.
Jack Kevorkian

Experience, Wish, Whether

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman

Doctor, Afford, Operation

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.
Ovid

Health, Sometimes, Away

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