Funny Quotes

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson

Nothing, Used, Behind

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

Time, Good, Hard

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber

Why, Wrong, Number

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

Succeed, Skydiving

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

Religion, Time, Two

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz

Either, Rarely, Polite

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry

Secret, Bit, Sit

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps

Find, Loser, Succeed

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Older, Knit, Prefer

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns

Age, Live, Past

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner

Until, Started, Toward

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

Alone, Night, Sleeping

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Great, Camera, Invention

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

God, Wanted, Fly

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings

Water, Flattery, Cologne

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Time, Christmas, Lose

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter

American, Child, Television

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner

Men, Car, Perfume

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

Time, Enough, Sense

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

Wrong, Tell, Married

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

Marriage, Career, Advice

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

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