People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
David Ogilvy

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
Dustin Hoffman

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Casey Stengel

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks