My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase