I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan