Funny Quotes

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings

Memory, Mistake, Lots

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Important, Godliness, Becomes

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Used, Falling, Kept

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

Made, Heaven, Thunder

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Keep, Divorce, House

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

Weren, Batteries, Bought

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Great, Live, Country

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman

Doubt, Friends, Deserved

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love, Question, Answer

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell

Waiting, Grow, Full

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

Down, Cause, Wear

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Harder, Average, Ape

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

Children, Fried

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Amazing, Happens, News

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra

Night, Through, Whatever

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Parents, May, Difficult

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

Love, Money, Washington

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

Places, Expected

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Help, Lord, Pure

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

Wife, Real, Same

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Sure, Tree, Sit

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

Hair, Changing, Quest

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

American, Public, Nobody

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel

Age, Matter, Unless

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