Funny Quotes

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Else, Anyone, Week

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Roses, Red, Blue

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

Health, Food, Older

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

Art, Yesterday, Keeping

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

Crisis, Cannot, Next

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Giving, Gift, Guilt

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Car, Children, Windows

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

Die, Wrong, Might

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

Nothing, Why, Call

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

Happiness, Money, Study

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

Book, Writing, Done

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

Children, Person, Won

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

Fish, Water, Drink

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Love, Pretending, Present

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

Cheap, Expensive, Buy

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

Wanted, Water, Whistle

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Person, Left, Speaks

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

Here, Hand, Powers

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Die, Comedy, Fall

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

Love, Woman, Known

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

Three, Shoes, Thousand

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Best, Eat, Kitchen

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

Time, Philosophy, Dread

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