Funny Quotes

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness, Family, Another

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

Mean, Trying, Adversity

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Club, Join, Refuse

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Good, Live, Far

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Women, Through, Anyone

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Two, Try, Three

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers

Government, Thankful, Getting

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Trap, Pancake, Syrup

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Morning, Sorry, Sleep

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan

Before, Questions, Statement

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Life, Hard, After

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

Life, Women, Food

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Her, Interrupt

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

Born, Except, Democrats

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Lightning, Organized

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Woman, Problem, Said

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

Baby, Knew, Radio

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

Someone, Thinking, Tell

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

Crisis, Cannot, Next

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

Health, Food, Older

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Else, Anyone, Week

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