Funny Quotes

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Death, Afraid, Happens

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

Mean, Trying, Adversity

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness, Family, Another

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Club, Join, Refuse

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Women, Through, Anyone

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Good, Live, Far

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Two, Try, Three

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Trap, Pancake, Syrup

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan

Before, Questions, Statement

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Morning, Sorry, Sleep

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers

Government, Thankful, Getting

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

Life, Women, Food

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Her, Interrupt

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Life, Hard, After

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

Born, Except, Democrats

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Lightning, Organized

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Woman, Problem, Said

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

Baby, Knew, Radio

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis

Person, Listen, Pessimist

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

Group, Hours, Minutes

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

Someone, Thinking, Tell

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