Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg