Funny Quotes

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Dark, Weather, Tonight

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

Mind, Woman, Often

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

Fat, Found, Thin

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Everyone, Line, Height

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Job, Depression, Lose

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

Food, Sometimes, Wine

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

Remember, Else, Everyone

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

False, Including

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

Time, Woman, Baby

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

Long, Taken, Annoy

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell

Knowledge, Ignorance, Realize

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Children, Everybody, Knows

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
Winston Churchill

Marriage, Wife, Able

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins

Means, Brains, Drop

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

Diet, Friend, Fat

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

Worry, Older, Grow

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Claude Pepper

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Die, Soul, Belief

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

Snow, Used, White

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

Him, Congress, Lead

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

Love, Sound, Fly

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

Someone, Understand, Child

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

Worth, Anymore, Dime

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

Political, Party, Democrat

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