Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain