Funny Quotes

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

Cannot, Else, Dance

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

Says, Monogamy, Serial

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Help, Trying, Behind

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

Family, Another, Though

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon

Try, Tell, Somewhere

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson

Mother, Her, Against

All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Chevy Chase

Children, Perfect, Pitch

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Paula Poundstone

Thankful, Put, Three

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
George Lopez

Nice, Relative, Whoever

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
Ruby Wax

American, Misplaced

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

Great, Pets, Goldfish

If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
O. Henry

Time, Women, Alone

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Dennis Miller

Marriage, Here, Actually

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Dylan Moran

Fine, Level, Low

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

Few, Might, Dollars

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

Long, Enough, Die

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Mickey Rooney

Marriage, May, Made

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
Caroline Rhea

Home, Someone, Vermont

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
Eminem

Trust, Hard, Friends

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
Audrey Hepburn

Dance, Mad, Face

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Bill Cosby

Humor, God, Hope

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw

Life, Laugh, Die

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss

Here, Everywhere

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

Wedding, Worry, Off

Share with your Friends

Everyone likes a good quote - don't forget to share.

Popular Topics

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Get Social with BrainyQuote

BrainyQuote Desktop

BrainyQuote Mobile

Site

Quote of the Day

Social

BQ on Pinterest

Syndication

Funny Quote Feed

Love Quote Feed

Nature Quote Feed

About Us