Funny Quotes

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

Sunday, Year, Town

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

Theory, Dare, Based

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Religion, God, Exercise

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Angry, Looking, Uncle

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

Living, Used, Trouble

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

Ridiculous, Retirement, Pimples

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

Fire, Universe, Water

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

Success, Marriage, Hollywood

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Home, Television, Belongs

Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce

Big, Company, Communism

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Long, Nothing, Wrong

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

Family, Tree, Sap

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black

Milk, Juice, Soy

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

Wonder, Clothes, Picks

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

Great, Power, Words

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

Father, Put, Mood

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

Girl, Looking, Knows

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Arthur Conan Doyle

Brain, Choose, Empty

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

Mother, Name, Bank

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite

Yourself, Against, Group

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

Either, Deserve, Award

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

Rant, Therefore

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

Love, Another, Easy

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

Life, Love, Two

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