Funny Quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

Money, Successful, Wife

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

Life, Find, Try

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Wise, Stupid, Advice

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

Great, Woman, Eyes

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Nice, Girl, Second

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

Life, Alive, Seriously

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

Good, Morning, Sorry

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Sunshine, Night

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

Hell, Heaven, Company

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

God, Happy, Wine

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Government, Support, Pay

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

Family, Two, Child

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Facts, Please, Distort

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Two, Before, Between

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

Great, Annoyance

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

Hell, She, Started

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

Fake, Water, Died

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Why, Chance, Housework

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein

Change, Facts, Theory

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Stupid, Girl, Stand

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Afraid, Heights

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

Mind, Woman, Often

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Wanted, Realize, Somebody

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

Long, Matter, Door

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

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