If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me.
Ryan Stiles

If I were like your mother, I would be a woman.
Ryan Stiles

If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife.
Ryan Stiles

I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.
Ryan Stiles

I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.
Ryan Stiles

What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.
Ryan Stiles

You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.
Ryan Stiles