I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield