Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg