If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle