Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle