My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers