Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld