My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred A. Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred A. Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred A. Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred A. Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
Fred A. Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred A. Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred A. Allen

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Fred A. Allen