People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
Ellen DeGeneres

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.
Ellen DeGeneres

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
Ellen DeGeneres