I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Dennis Miller

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Dennis Miller

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
Dennis Miller

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Dennis Miller