I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.
David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
David Letterman