Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx

There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
Pablo Picasso

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields

The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
George Washington

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.
William Shakespeare

Women may fall when there's no strength in men.
William Shakespeare

Men's vows are women's traitors!
William Shakespeare

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg

To a philosopher all news, as it is called, is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.
Henry David Thoreau

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
Will Rogers

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Women would rather be right than reasonable.
Ogden Nash

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash

I have thought a sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.
Ralph Waldo Emerson