People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.
Ernest Hemingway

There's just me and my wife and a dog and we feed him Healthy Choice also.
Mike Ditka

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
Martin Luther

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny