No one can look back on his schooldays and say with truth that they were altogether unhappy.
George Orwell

What you need to do is get that tape measure out, and start measuring that gut. Then you start working out and you start eating properly till that gut gets down close to it was when you were in your 20's. Then you'll find out what your weight should be.
Jack LaLanne

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Chris Rock

Fugitive slaves were rare then, and as a fugitive slave lecturer, I had the advantage of being the first one out.
Frederick Douglass

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
P. J. O'Rourke

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
P. J. O'Rourke

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
P. J. O'Rourke

If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.
Plutarch

It were better to have no opinion of God at all than such a one as is unworthy of him; for the one is only belief - the other contempt.
Plutarch

When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before.
Blaise Pascal

Nothing fortifies scepticism more than the fact that there are some who are not sceptics; if all were so, they would be wrong.
Blaise Pascal

If our condition were truly happy, we would not seek diversion from it in order to make ourselves happy.
Blaise Pascal

I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top.
John Keats

We should have a great fewer disputes in the world if words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.
John Locke

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Dennis Miller

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
Dennis Miller

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Dennis Miller

If the Nuremberg laws were applied, then every post-war American president would have been hanged.
Noam Chomsky

I have often thought that if a rational Fascist dictatorship were to exist, then it would choose the American system.
Noam Chomsky

The people who were honored in the Bible were the false prophets. It was the ones we call the prophets who were jailed and driven into the desert.
Noam Chomsky