There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it.
Andy Warhol

During the 1960s, I think, people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. And I don't think they've ever remembered.
Andy Warhol

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Ogden Nash

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
Ogden Nash

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
Ogden Nash

Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
Will Rogers

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields

If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men's cottage princes' palaces.
William Shakespeare

I were better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.
William Shakespeare

And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
Robert Frost

Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thou wilt find rest from vain fancies if thou doest every act in life as though it were thy last.
Aristotle

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck

There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before.
Henry David Thoreau

It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes.
Henry David Thoreau