I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

I never understood why when you died, you didn't just vanish, everything could just keep going on the way it was only you just wouldn't be there. I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank. No epitaph, and no name. Well, actually, I'd like it to say 'figment.'
Andy Warhol

Once you 'got' Pop, you could never see a sign again the same way again. And once you thought Pop, you could never see America the same way again.
Andy Warhol

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

What is a face, really? Its own photo? Its make-up? Or is it a face as painted by such or such painter? That which is in front? Inside? Behind? And the rest? Doesn't everyone look at himself in his own particular way? Deformations simply do not exist.
Pablo Picasso

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck

The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is, to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.
William Shakespeare

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

We are giving assurance to the American families that help is on its way.
Edward Kennedy

We shall see but a little way if we require to understand what we see.
Henry David Thoreau

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.
Henry David Thoreau

Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?
Henry David Thoreau

Front yards are not made to walk in, but, at most, through, and you could go in the back way.
Henry David Thoreau

We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success.
Henry David Thoreau

You see, antiquated ideas of kindness and generosity are simply bugs that must be programmed out of our world. And these cold, unfeeling machines will show us the way.
Bill Gates

Until we're educating every kid in a fantastic way, until every inner city is cleaned up, there is no shortage of things to do.
Bill Gates