You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact.
Jean-Paul Sartre

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?
Richard Bach

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Jean-Paul Sartre

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg

If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.
Oprah Winfrey

She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person.
Oprah Winfrey

What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.
Saint Augustine

Each generation wants new symbols, new people, new names. They want to divorce themselves from their predecessors.
Jim Morrison

I want my friend to miss me as long as I miss him.
Saint Augustine

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
Martin Luther