I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

We lost because we told ourselves we lost.
Leo Tolstoy

A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.
William Blake

I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow.
William Blake

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales.
Stephen Hawking

We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won't need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining- they just shine.
Dwight L. Moody

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Whenever I was upset by something in the papers, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.
Jackie Kennedy

The artist alone sees spirits. But after he has told of their appearing to him, everybody sees them.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I told you I'm not going to criticize my successor. I'll just tell you that there are people at Gitmo that will kill American people at a drop of a hat and I don't believe that persuasion isn't going to work. Therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind.
George W. Bush

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman

In a Glasser Quality School there is no such thing as a closed book test. Students are told to get out their notes and open their books. There is no such thing as being forbidden to ask the teacher or another student for help.
William Glasser

Told that the passing grade is a B or competence and that we will help you to get there, students do competent work. The lowest passing grade in the real world is competence. Why do schools accept so much less?
William Glasser

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Rita Rudner

If a victory is told in detail, one can no longer distinguish it from a defeat.
Jean-Paul Sartre