The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday - but never jam today.
Lewis Carroll

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry

That's why so many stars are making pictures in Europe today. The tax guys are making thieves out of everybody.
Bud Abbott

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips

Economy is the method by which we prepare today to afford the improvements of tomorrow.
Calvin Coolidge

Plan your work for today and every day, then work your plan.
Margaret Thatcher

Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.
Viktor E. Frankl

Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
Nikola Tesla

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
Nikola Tesla

The paradoxes of today are the prejudices of tomorrow, since the most benighted and the most deplorable prejudices have had their moment of novelty when fashion lent them its fragile grace.
Marcel Proust

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Jay Leno

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
Jay Leno

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Jay Leno

Civilization as it is known today could not have evolved, nor can it survive, without an adequate food supply.
Norman Borlaug

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.
Gracie Allen

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
David Letterman