I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui.
Helen Keller

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol

It takes a long time to become young.
Pablo Picasso

Never permit a dichotomy to rule your life, a dichotomy in which you hate what you do so you can have pleasure in your spare time. Look for a situation in which your work will give you as much happiness as your spare time.
Pablo Picasso

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields

The time is near at hand which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves.
George Washington